Friday, December 2, 2011

Quick Takes - Them!

I've come to eat your carrots.

The largest insect ever found has been discovered by an explorer in New Zealand. Called the Giant Weta Bug, this creature has a wingspan of, wait for it, seven inches, and weighs as much as three mice. I'm not sure why they didn't just weigh it with a scale, instead of releasing details in cryptic mouse measurements ... "This human is 102 mice tall! Amazing!" The Giant Weta Bug is a known species, but none has ever been found this large, which makes this big bastard (see above) the largest bug on record and the number one enemy of humanity, thanks to our unnatural fear of insects. At least until the prawns arrive on our planet and are forced to live in shanty towns in South Africa because their mothership is stranded in the atmosphere without anyone to fly her away from the trigger-happy humans.

I've been trying to figure out why insects strike such fear in the human heart. Is it some sort of evolutionary thing? Where insects have represented something to our species for so long -- pestilence, crop death, disease, etc. -- that we are naturally predisposed to fear and dislike them as a means of species survival? Or, and this is where I think the truth really is, are we evolutionarily JEALOUS of the insect?! Oooo, you didn't see that coming, did you? Insects have pretty much everything figured out, and I think when we see their physical and social traits, we get a little butthurt and spray them with nuclear cans of Raid because we can't stand how awesome they are. Exoskeletons, organized societies and colonies, tremendous reproductive rate, population growth that would make India green with envy, super strength, super environmental resistance, poisons, pincers, cool jaws, stingers ... the list goes on and on! If insect brains got even close to a primatological level, we might as well just move to a different planet. Or join them as their pets and/or literary entertainers. I would volunteer to write insect-related fiction (sci fi, fantasy, insect sports columns, whatever they needed) to satisfy their insatiable thirst for the written word.

  • Some NFL teams have water boys who run out onto the field during breaks to give players a squeeze of fresh water, but the Seattle Seahawks have taken things to another level: Marshawn Lynch, the always-entertaining running back and purveyor of "Beast Mode" in the Emerald City, has his own personal SKITTLES COACH, who feeds him Skittles after touchdowns and even runs onto the field occasionally to give him Skittles during a timeout. Marshawn Lynch is fueled by Skittles. It apparently started as a kid; after he'd score a touchdown his mother would give him a bag of Skittles after the game as a reward. And now, as a full grown man and NFL star, he's decided, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." Taste the rainbow.
  • In an effort to actually fulfill his role as the third wheel of Miami's "Big Three," Chris Bosh has added 10 pounds of muscle this offseason and has vowed to be more aggressive. Problem is, have you ever seen what an aggressive giraffe looks like? It's awkward and horrifying.
  • Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson was demonstratively apathetic during last night's brutal loss to the Seattle Seahawks (woo!), being caught on camera zoned out while quarterback Vince Young tried to work out pass routes with him, not running hard on routes, and warming up with the defensive linemen instead of the wide receiver group prior to the start of the game. When asked about his display after the loss, Jackson handled things like a pro: "If that's what they saw, that's what they saw. I don't have to sit here and answer them questions. My teammates know what it is. I'm not answering none of that type of question. If you're going to ask something about the game, do that. You're asking questions that don't even mean nothing. Next question." Aside from disappointing grammar, Jackson seems like he's got a good head on his shoulders, eh? This is why people love and sympathize with professional athletes, because of their hard work, dedication, and humility.
  • Is Bill Buckner headed back to Boston? The infamous first-baseman, who Boston Red Sox fans unfairly crucified for an error in the World Series decades ago, may be returning to the Red Sox as a hitting coach under new manager Bobby Valentine. If they can rig a machine that chucks live babies at the plate, Buckner would get those Red Sox hitters all batting 1.000. I hope I'm not the only one who obsesses over "Curb Your Enthusiasm," because if I am, everyone will think a) that joke is weird, and b) I'm weird. I guess the latter is true regardless of the joke.
  • Former Liverpool winger and current Hoffenheim star Ryan Babel had a run-in recently with Spongebob Squarepants. Not the actual Spongebob, because that's just impossible, but a man he hired to come to a kids' birthday party dressed as Spongebob to entertain the kids. When the man arrived, he took off his Spongebob helmet and started smoking cigarettes in front of the kids. Babel confronted him, and the man said, "EYY MAN ... EFF YOU AND THESE UGLY ASS KIDS ... I JUST GOT OUT, AND I’M HERE TO GET PAID." Spongebob was fresh from prison! And that prospect caused Babel to choke up, telling Spongebob that he could, in fact, smoke, just not to blow it in the kids' faces. The best part of this story is that Spongebob Convictpants was actually stand-up comic Kevin Hart playing a prank. Let's all laugh at Ryan Babel. He clearly hates children.

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