Monday, December 5, 2011

Quick Takes - Robot vicars

This could get awkward.

I watched the last Arsenal match on my phone, in bed, on a Web site running Flash that I've never been able to access with a mobile device before. It was one of those wow moments in my technological life, which maybe says a lot about my life (let's just move on), but for all the struggles I had with the iPhone to watch Arsenal matches without having to get out of bed (let's just move on from this too), switching to an Android phone has been a revelation. Flash, on my phone, on a big, beautiful crystal clear screen, without having to even break the heat seal of the morning bed. I know that in a few years streaming matches will probably move away from Flash on the Internet anyway, so this will be a short-lived win for my streaming life (sounds like a shitty reality TV show), but for now, the mobile war I've been battling for years has a robot victor. As opposed to a robot vicar, which would be kinda awesome and would certainly not be programmed to molest altar boys, unless the programmer decided that's something a robot vicar should do (not sure why a programmer would do that, but programmers are weird and gross). That wouldn't really be the robot's fault, it'd the programmer's fault.

How in the world did I get to molesting robot priests when all I wanted to do is gloat about my cool new Android phone? Not that I'm molesting robot priests, they're "molesting robot priests" ... you see the distinction? Or maybe the proper grammar would be "molesting-robot priests," but that makes it sound like they are priests who only molest robots, which isn't accurate for either molesting robot priests or regular molesting priests. Okay, I've got it figured out, they're "molesting robot-priests." I swear I'm good at English and not a sociopath.

  • ESPN's in trouble again, this time for its selection for when/when not to use subtitles. ESPN chose not to use subtitles on a white girl with cerebral palsy who was difficult to understand, but chose to use subtitles on an impoverished black man who was equally as "difficult to understand." Their reasoning behind not using/using subtitles came down to a problem with overthinking: Too many focus groups, too many people being asked if they could understand speech, and a confirmation biased approach to subtitling; adding subtitles ahead of time and then asking people if they thought they were needed. "Did these subtitles help you understand that person?" Wait, there was a person? I was just reading text. Yes, that text helped me read better. Thank you, ESPN.
  • Greg Oden, or as I like to call him, Greg Lincoln, for his uncanny resemblance to Abraham Lincoln (and my suspicions of Marfan Syndrome being the cause for Oden's injury issues), is leaning toward accepting Portland's qualifying offer of $8.8 million for this year, allowing him to be an unrestricted free agent in 2012. A little word of advice for Greg Oden: You've been injured basically since you came out of the womb. Take the money. Take the ridiculous $8.8 million that Portland is mind-numbingly offering you. You have no idea how long you're going to be healthy and in the league. So take the money. There's nothing to think about. It's $8.8 million for god's sake. You probably won't even play this year, and they'll just give you money to not play. Take the money! Why is this even a discussion?!
  • The New Orleans Hornets are apparently approaching the Chris Paul situation (Paul has allegedly handed in a trade request to the Hornets to go to the Knicks and be with his BFF Carmelo Anthony) with "eyes wide open," according to David Aldridge. I think eyes wide open is the preferred method of negotiation, unless they want to try to lure him to stay with some weird sex party.
  • The annual MLB Winter Meetings are taking place in Dallas, Texas. What that means, for you laypeople, is that you can watch old white men walking around hallways on a live webcam! Finally!
  • I have to admit, I was really excited about the NBA lockout. I was desperately hoping that LeBron would star in "Kazaam 2," Delonte West's rap career would take off, and Metta World Peace would, I don't know, move to Nepal or something and try to get the Dalai Lama drunk on Hypnotiq. I'm a bit disappointed that it's over now, but there's a new form of excitement brewing in my belly, one of the post-lockout, where fat players desperately try to get back into shape, thinking they'd have a full year off to lounge about and pursue other interests and then using the next offseason to get back into shape, only to realize a little too late that they don't have enough time to get into proper shape for this season and running around gassed like Oliver Miller for the first 30 games of the season. Someone needs to make a drinking game to this: The NBA Fitness Challenge.
  • What the hell is happening in Denver, where the Broncos are now 6-1 under Tim Tebow after another dramatic win on Sunday? I chose hell intentionally because of Tim Tebow and his inability to say a sentence without referencing god and Jesus and religion, which is probably the most obnoxious thing in human history outside of Criss Angel's whole existence. I don't have a problem with Tebow's religiosity, honestly, I don't, but can't he find something to say that's his own, creative thought? Can't he find something to say that isn't a reference to god and the Bible, especially when asked questions about something as trivial as a sport? There's just got to be more to him than religious finger puppetry.

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