|This is a test, children. Keep it together.|
I was walking around downtown Seattle on Saturday, trying to immerse myself in the holiday spirit that comes with hundreds of thousands of people crammed together in a tight space. It's cozier that way. There was a huge line of people waiting to take their picture with Santa in Nordstrom's, and yet, only a few feet away, sat another Santa, a lonelier Santa, who struggled to find a willing child to sit in his waiting lap. Could it have been his hand-scrawled cardboard sign that read "Photos with Santa" in a depressing scratch? Could it have been his thin, ragged beard patched with flecks of grey? Or maybe it was his dirty costume that hung off his body like skin on a skeleton. Whatever it was (if not a combination of the three), there were a lot of people wasting their time in the Nordstrom's line when they could've had a much more authentic experience with the sidewalk Santa.
The real Santa isn't all about the flashing lights and lengthy lines. He doesn't want to make children cry out of fear or devour their parents' wallets with overpriced prints. He wouldn't try to recreate some plasticized North Pole that makes a mockery out of his world and the hard work his elves really do. The real Santa would've been that guy on the corner; a quaint sign in his spotted hand, tired and weary from busting his ass making toys for the entire world, seeking only the true of heart to sit on his warm (hopefully not from urine) lap.
Everyone who walked by the real Santa to wait in a line filled with gluttony, selfishness, and greed will surely have failed the big guy's test. Don't people get it? Wouldn't that just be so brilliant of Santa? To put two Santas across from one another -- one shiny and corporate sponsored, and another, with a cardboard sign and a smelly coat -- and test out who really cares about Christmas, who really appreciates the spirit of the season. It's like some sort of religious moral story that the entire city failed, and, if you look at demographics data from the country, that means ~75% of those people who walked by that hangdog Santa were god-fearing Christians who are preparing for what's supposed to be their f*#&ing World Series of charity and kindness! But no, no, it's better that you have the fancy Santa from the fancy Nordstrom's so your gold-plated scrapbook isn't jeopardized.
- Just realized that if Justin Bieber had been the halftime entertainment during the game between Tom Brady's New England Patriots and Tim Tebow's Denver Broncos, our species would no longer have been viable after every young girl in the world exploded.
- According to a source, Jacksonville Jaguars' owner Wayne Weaver's added a clause in the contract of his sale of the team to Shahid Khan in which Khan must pay $25 million to a charity of Weaver's choice if he moves the team from Jacksonville within five years of purchase. Hey, Sonics fans, does this sound familiar? Clay Bennett (*spit*) had to agree to pay the city of Seattle ~$50 million if Seattle didn't get a new franchise within a certain timeframe after "relocating" the team to Oklahoma City (*spit*). Of course it didn't happen, and of course Bennett was more than willing to give up $50 million for an asset worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and I'm sure Khan will have no problem parting with $25 million for the huge financial boon of moving the team to a better market. Do these owners think we're stupid? Or are they just used to throwing cash at their problems to make them go away?
- Throwing cash at a problem to make it go away is also known as "Pulling a Kobe."
- Although Kobe Bryant's wife did just file for divorce, so I guess his $4 million dollar "whoopsie" ring was just a Band-Aid. That's an expensive-ass Band-Aid though. I buy the cheap Kroger ones.
- ESPN has announced that ESPN college football analyst/whiny dad/Texas Tech saboteur Craig James is
running for the Republican nomination for the U.S. Senate in Texas. If elected, his first order of business will be to make his son the starting wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers.
- The New York Knicks have allegedly signed the waived-carcass of Baron Davis to a veteran minimum contract. Did they need someone to direct a documentary about the team's season? I can't think of any other reason to sign Baron Davis.
- The Indianapolis Colts avoided a winless season the same day the Green Bay Packers lost out on an undefeated season. I think we know which team got their pictures taken with the real Santa.
- Barry Bonds has been sentenced to two years of probation, 250 hours of community service, a $4,000 fine, and 30 days of home confinement for Federal charges of obstruction of justice. Seems like a bit of a light sentence, eh? For contextual purposes, let me just leave Bonds' estimated earnings over the course of his MLB career right here: $188,245,322. Boy, he's really going to think hard about what he's done.
- I want to clear up a potentially-awkward situation: Yesterday I sent a message over Twitter to my friend Kevin, a Bears fan, that said, "Go Seahawks!" I was not watching the game at the time I sent that message, and it was only after I sent it that I realized that Bears WR Johnny Knox had just been taken off the field on a stretcher after being hit by the aforementioned Seahawks. Whoops. Can I buy all you Bears fans $4 million rings so you'll keep reading?