|I would have gone with you to the end, Aye Aye, into the very fires of Mordor.|
I am not a morning person. I'm so not a morning person that I often try to stay up late enough at night that it absorbs the morning entirely and I sleep until the afternoon begins. It's always been a great system for me, my brain is most active and imaginative at night, but then I got a real job that pulls me out of happy slumber day in and day out like some strong-armed Lucha Libre wrestler toying with a midget wrestler (that's not offensive because they actually do that). The only things that have managed to successfully pull me out of bed early in the morning are a) work, b) travel, and c) Arsenal matches. But even then, the 4:45 a.m. Arsenal matches are always a doozy, because going to bed simply isn't an option. If I go to bed, I'm sure as hell not waking up a couple hours later only to fall asleep 10 minutes into the match and miss the whole thing entirely. So instead I stay up, I mow through energy drinks and try to distract myself with "Borderlands." There has to be a better solution than this.
I'm not suggesting that the English Premier League play all its matches in the wee hours of the British night to allow the handful of American viewers streaming matches to get a few extra hours of sleep. No, what we need is a standard time ... for the WORLD. Our bodies are incredibly resilient and adaptable. I know I personally would have no problem becoming a nocturnal creature, and anyone who didn't want to be nocturnal could move to a place where day = day. Day sports would be played in those countries, and night sports would be played in night countries, and then us night people would get to watch day sports in foreign countries and night sports domestically, all during our waking hours. Problem solved. We would create an entirely new nocturnal economy and we'd battle with the day traders (battle is a generous word), all the while, we're getting loads of sleep, watching great sports all around the globe, and not worrying so damn much about when the sun's going down. The sun is always down in our world, and we like it that way. Plus, we'd undoubtedly go through some evolutionary changes and become bioluminescent and develop super-eyes. And I'm already pale, so no worries on that end either.
- The Angels have ruined everything. Not only did they swoop in and steal Albert Pujols from the Miami Marlins (for 10 years, $250 million ...), who are now pursuing Prince Fielder in response to losing out on Pujols, but they're also in the same division as the Mariners, which means the Mariners are even more behind the rest of the division than they already were (that's a helluva sentence; ugh, I can't even look at it again, it's hideous). And to make things even worse, the Angels have also signed arguably the top free agent pitcher on the market, C.J. Wilson, and are assembling one of the better starting rotations in baseball. But don't fret Mariners fans, Seattle is looking to bring back 49-year-old Jamie Moyer, because if we aren't going to win games, at least we can feel nostalgic about when we did.
- Seattle is also reportedly interested in former Mariners Jeff Francis, Carlos Guillen, and Arthur Rhodes. Next, they will hire a crazy German to plasticize Dave Neihaus' body and place him in a dramatic pose inside the broadcast booth.
- Jose Reyes told reporters he doesn't mind having to cut his luxurious dreadlocks to join the Miami Marlins (they have a team rule regarding hair length ... don't ask me, I'm just the messenger). I think for $100 million dollars, I would let each one of my hairs be plucked from my body with tweezers, so why is this a big deal? Why is him agreeing to cut his hair for $100m an actual news story? Can't we all just go, "well, yeah, of course, cut your dreads, who gives a shit," and not hear about it for a week on ESPN? Of course not. Hooray for 24-hour news networks. You enrich our lives.
- Yes, Eddy Curry is signing with the Heat! This is going to be high comedy. He does know they're a basketball team, right?
- LeBron James may have finally realized that "The Decision" was a bad one, but that doesn't change the fact that he's still remarkably delusional and unaware. James gave an interview to ESPN where he candidly talked about the mistakes he made, how he played terribly in the NBA Finals and that losing in the Finals was something he didn't think he'd ever have to face (he only referred to the one with the Heat, I guess he forgot about getting swept by the Spurs in an earlier NBA Finals), and that he hated being cast as the villain. LeBron used an all-too-willing corporate platform (again) to tell people that they shouldn't hate him anymore; that he's not a villain and that he's just going to go back to playing happy basketball. But do you just get to announce that decision to the world and move on with it? Doesn't "the world" have a say in this too? Just telling people you aren't a villain anymore doesn't change the perception people have of you, and announcing it, while a rare moment of honesty for James, in an ESPN-certified interview just undermines what you're trying to say. If you didn't want to be the villain, you didn't have to publicly stomp on your fans in an hour-long TV special, you didn't have to go to Miami and have that ludicrous WWE-style introduction with an overwhelmed Dwyane Wade and an out-of-his-element Giraffe screaming to the rafters, and you didn't have to wait until a year later to come out and have an honest moment with your fans about your decisions and your emotions. Sorry, LeBron, you are the villain still, and it's out of your hands to decide when that status gets to change. So just play hard, don't be a douche, and stop running to mommy ESPN every time you're feeling sensitive and want people to be nice to you.
- New rules in the NBA?! It all looks, surprisingly, very promising: Emphasis on reducing bailout calls by officials on offensive players actively working to get fouls while shooting (players jumping into other players' arms on jump shots; jumping into contact in the lane and throwing up a shot to ensure it's a shooting foul), and an emphasis on speeding up the game (strict timeout stop and start times; fewer times when substitutions can occur; instant replays only viewable during full timeouts, not 20 second timeouts). The only thing missing is a rule that during intermission of every quarter, both players and fans get to throw swords and axes at a giant blow-up doll of David Stern positioned in the middle of the court. Maybe in the next CBA.