Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Quick Takes - The Mrs. Clause

No, Santa! She's too young!

I have watched "The Santa Clause 2" twice in the last week, which means it's officially the holiday season! I know, you're wondering why I get to declare the holiday season "official" based solely on my own arbitrary film selections; please don't ask questions, you just slow everyone else down. Tim Allen stars as Santa Claus (previously the cleverly-named Scott Calvin), and he's loving life as the big cheese: Santa approval ratings have never been higher with any other Santa before him. Pretty impressive. But then! He finds out that in order to stay as Santa Claus, he has to have a Mrs. Claus by Christmas! Twenty-eight days to find a wife or he goes back to his crappy life as Scott Calvin. Everyone in the North Pole goes freaking bonkers and Santa goes back to the United States to find himself a lady. It's the "Mrs. Clause." The plot is set.

But here's my question: Why not just have one of the elves volunteer to marry Santa? Sure, they might not have great chemistry or be a good match, but who gives a shit? No, really. All the elves love working for this Santa, and he's obviously doing a great job with toy distribution and child happiness, so can't one of those little lady elves bite the bullet and go for the arranged marriage? Are elves that ... wait for it ... selfish? Santa is supposed to be some sort of giant king elf, so it makes more sense for him to marry an elf instead of some random woman (aka a different species); are they encouraging bestiality in this movie? Maybe there was a sub-Mrs. Clause that stated it had to be a human to prevent this type of thing, but, man, who wrote this freaking contract? In the end, Santa falls in love with the principal of his son's school, tells her he's Santa and that he needs to marry her, she, naturally, freaks out and thinks he's a sociopath (which he sort of is, but that's neither here nor there), and all looks lost for Santa and the North Pole.

Even THEN, none of the elves stepped forward and said, "You know what, I'll take care of this. It can't be that bad, right? I'll have a lot of alone time. I won't have to do this bullshit sweatshop labor anymore. And I'll basically rule this place like the First Lady of Christmas. I think marrying that giant fat elf is worth it. So I will marry Santa and save Christmas. You're all welcome. Now get me some hot cocoa and cookies because I'm Mrs. Claus and I need to fatten up for my husband."

  • The Miami Marlins have one strategy this winter: Buy everyone ever. They don't care who you are, they don't care what your market value is, they're going to go after you and give you a contract worth $100 million. They don't want to have any negotiations, they don't want to talk, they want to pay you $100 million and go back to drinking mohitos on the beach. They don't care about their ugly ass uniforms or the federal investigation into their financial practices. They don't care that they just ripped off the fans in their own city to pay for a new stadium despite having a huge surplus of cash. They're just going to buy free agents. All the free agents.
  • Seattle Mariners target Prince Fielder is also a target of the Miami Marlins, because he's a free agent and, dammit, they're going to try to buy him, but who would want to live in humid, crappy Miami over the lovely town of Seattle? The night life may be great in Miami, but the real life is going to leave you wanting, Prince Fielder. We have everything you could ever want here in Seattle: Flying fish, mountains, volcanoes (ahhh!), the Pacific Ocean (best ocean ever!), a retractable roof, a delirious fanbase, and a huge audience in Japan. You think being a Miami Marlin is going to be good for your image? Sign with the Mariners and go to Japan on vacation. Seriously. Whatever bonuses you think you'll get from the Latin American community will pale in comparison to the Japanese adoration you'll receive as a member of the Mariners. You're going to be treated like a king (puns really don't get old, do they?). The Japanese love giant Americans who play sports, almost as much as Americans love tiny Japanese who play sports. It's a weird thing our two countries have going right now, and quite poignant that this is all coming up on the anniversary of the day the Japanese bombed Josh Hartnett.
  • Erik Bedard has a home, and, holy shit thank you baseball Jesus, it's not with the Seattle Mariners! Bedard has signed a $4.5 million deal with the Pittsburgh Pirates (he must've turned down the $100 million offer from the Marlins because Miami is hot and sticky), which means the Pirates basically just took $4.5 million and set it on fire. Good luck out there, you irritable, injury-prone bastard. And thank you, Pittsburgh. We owe you one.
  • The Green Bay Packers have a grandfathered rule that allows them to sell shares of their team to the public (NFL teams can't sell stakes in the team for profit, except the Packers ...), and have re-opened the bidding for 250,000 shares to the world. Over 1,000 shares sold in the first minute of bidding, all for the low, low rate of $250, and it's expected that all 250k shares will inevitably sell out. You may think that's a good investment -- buying a stake in one of the more profitable franchises in all of sports -- but you have limited voting rights, you don't gain any cash if the shares go up, you have no additional involvement with the team whatsoever from being a shareholder, and you can't sell your share after you've bought it. But you do get a paper certificate you can hang on your wall. Yay. Are the Green Bay Packers run by that "Get A Star Named After You!" company?
  • After rumors swirled around the NFL that Brett Favre would come out of retirement to helm the quarterback-less Chicago Bears, Favre is now unequivocally telling the media that no, he's not coming back if the Bears call, he's staying retired. And we know that when Brett Favre says he's retired, he's retired.
  • Tracy McGrady has agreed to a deal with the Atlanta Hawks. The Hawks' medical staff just collectively sighed. But hey, overtime is time and a half, guys!
  • Retiring Orlando Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide says he wasn't drunk when he totally drunk-dialed Dwight Howard the other night, which some are speculating prompted his sudden decision to step down as CEO in a last-ditch attempt to keep a disgruntled (and probably weirded-out) Howard in Orlando. We've all been there, Bob. We've all been there.
  • Both Manchester United and Manchester City were knocked out of the Champions League today, which means Arsenal is clearly the better team in every way, shape, and form. Carry on.

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