|We're going to need more air conditioning!|
I am a Norwegian man, and, as such, I feel most at home in the frigid cold of the Arctic tundra. I do not understand the allure of warm weather. I don't comprehend how people can just sit out in the sun, baking, sweating; covered in various topical ointments and lotions while thin shreds of their remaining clothes cling mercilessly to their moist bodies. There's nothing good about the heat. You can't sleep in the heat; it's just an endless rock tumbler of frustration and soreness. And you can't work in the heat either; too ... warm ... getting ... sleepy. And when you're too hot outside, what do you do? Take your clothes off? That might be fine in the privacy of your own home, but anywhere else, you're going to jail, buddy (I'm not your buddy, fwend). Yet, when it's cold outside, you have loads of options to get warm without breaking any public decency laws. And fashionable ones too. A scarf? Lovely. Mittens? Oh, go on then. Puffy Gortex jacket? Maybe leave that one at home, Costanza.
But the cold is an additive property. Heat is a subtractive property. The cold can turn an impassable lake into an ice-skating rink or an Inuit gateway to formerly locked lands. The heat will melt that passageway and drown an entire village. Way to go, heat. You just murdered a community of noble Inuit. And where the heat is draining, the cold is invigorating, the cold preserves, both our food and our bodies (and for some cannibals, both), the cold tells nature, "It's okay, you take a rest, shed those heavy branches and take a quiet nap," where the heat demands constant production -- from nature, from the animals, from our exhausted sweat glands. And think about your dog. He loves the snow, he's going to eat it and disappear beneath its pristine surface, but leave him in the car in the summer, and surprise, you are no longer a dog owner.
Despite the obvious bonuses to the always-refreshing cold, there are a certain group of people who seem allergic to it. I shall call them "women." I have never met a woman who said, "Oh, I'm a bit warm, can you turn that thermostat down?" No, it always needs to be nuclear fallout warm. No matter the temperature outside, no matter the time of year, it must be blistering hot. It's like they're still in the incubation phase of their growth cycle, and once they reach a certain temperature, they'll shed their human husks, and giant, snarling witch-dragons will burst forth and spread smoldering fire across the countryside.
- Nickelback is slated to play during halftime of the Detroit Lions vs. Green Bay Packers game on Thanksgiving Day. But if Lions fans have their way, Nickelback will never play a note inside their stadium. A petition has been started by Detroit fans to get the "awful band" replaced with someone better. It's a noble cause, and I support any movement to keep Nickelback's music from being heard, but I think they're going to need something stronger than a petition to keep those musical cockroaches away. A cloud of dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane pumped into their tour bus should do the trick!
- I know a lot about insecticides because of a particularly difficult experience in a garden-level apartment in Chicago. When it got cold, the bugs wanted to come inside where it was warm. But I was also inside when it was cold, and I didn't want to share my apartment with every large, terrifying insect known to entomology. And that's where the battle for humanity was waged. I'm not proud of the things I've done, and I'll be haunted by the images of insect death for the rest of my life, but until you've kept a can of industrial-strength insecticide on your nightstand, you hold your tongue, sir!
- Jamie Moyer might be back in the MLB next year! Moyer has been throwing for scouts recently, who have been impressed with what they've seen. At 49 years old, it would be an absolute pleasure to see the old guy back out there whiffing hitters with his change-up and then riding a Rascal scooter back to the dugout.
- Seattle Seahawks QB Tarvaris Jackson gave himself an "F" for his performances this year, saying that it's the quarterback's job to help his team get wins, and at 2-5 he's just not getting the job done. If Tarvaris Jackson gets an "F," what the hell does that mean for the rest of the offense? Do we need to invent a new alphabet?
- It's officially the Hot Stone League in Major League Baseball, and ESPN Rumor Central has kicked things off by saying the Mariners are going to land both Prince Fielder and pitcher Chris Capuano. But don't bite, Mariners fans, "Rumor Central" is code for: "Pay $40 a year for an Insider account so you can read inflammatory snippets of unsourced hearsay."
- Anyone know what I should do with the invitation the Big East sent me to bring my "prestigious football team [insert team name here]" to their conference?
- Alex Ovechkin, arguably the best player in the NHL, was benched with a minute and a half left in the third period and his team down 4-3. Capitals coach Bruce Bodreau said that the line he put out there was playing well, and he felt like he needed to have the guys out there who gave them the best chance to equalize. They did equalize and went on to win the game in overtime. But Ovechkin didn't agree with the decision at the time, and asked Bodreau why he wasn't going on the ice. When Bodreau walked away after explaining his decision, Ovi appeared to call his coach a "fat fuck" on national television. I think somebody's been watching too much "Curb."