Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Quick Takes - Cloudy with a chance of something

Niiiiiiiiiikolaaaaaaaaaaaaa (blows giant horn)

If you haven't seen the third installment of the Golfpunk series: The Icy Fairways, Part III, then I demand that you click that link and read it. Read it 100 times, read it until your eyes fall out and you have to carry them in water-filled Ziploc bags as they dangle awkwardly by the optic nerves. And then read it once more, from your hospital bed, and share in the laughter with your nurses and doctors. Because laughter is the best medicine.

I like to dabble in inventions. More conceptually than practically, because, come on, who's got that kind of start-up cash? This all really started when I was still in elementary school, and I dreamed up a crazy concept for an air freshener that you plugged into the power outlet of your car or home and it would use electricity to pump out a constant stream of scent while in operation. I thought it was a brilliant idea, only to be disheartened years later to find Glade had finally released one and was raking in the cash. Typical.

I had another idea for a floatable black box, so when an airplane went down they wouldn't have to scour the sea floor for months trying to find the black box. Just make it float, people. But it seems like the number of crashes over sea has dwindled, as has my market for invention. So it's on to new ideas, I suppose. But we live in a different world now. We have computers in our pockets more powerful than the giant desktops of a decade ago. Anything we need, we can get almost immediately. The allure of the "invention" seems less shiny; like it's been replaced by the comfort and convenience of the fast food status quo. But that's what I'm here for. To challenge the status quo! To push the boundaries of the human experience!

How about an automatic pill dispenser for old people? It hooks up to their heads like a bluetooth or something, and automatically dispenses pills and water at the programmed times! Never miss a dose! Or how about a mouthguard-toothbrush that you stick in your mouth and, when you bite down, the motors engage and brushes come swirling in from every angle to clean your teeth? It's like a mouth car wash! We can call it The MouthWash! Or what about a bird dropping collector that converts their tiny excrement into biofuel? It might take a year's worth of poo to power your blender, but hey, what else were you going to do with that stuff?

  • Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub is out for the year with a lisfranc injury (he hurt his foot), which means, drumroll please: Matt Leinart is now the starting quarterback for the playoff-bound Texans! Hide your kids, hide your wife! Do you think Gatorade makes a tequila-flavored sports drink just for Leinart?
  • Aaron Rodgers threw four more TD passes during Green Bay's thumping Monday night win over the hapless Vikings. Rodgers is now up to 28 on the year through nine games (with only three interceptions) and is on pace to challenge Tom Brady's NFL-record 50 TD passes in a season. Even if Rodgers breaks the record, Tom Brady is still married to a Victoria's Secret supermodel that he successfully impregnated, so he probably still wins (at least from an evolutionary sense). Sorry, Aaron, you're really good at football though?
  • You know what I hate? When sports reporters/writers use the phrase: "If the playoffs started today ..." They aren't starting today. There's no discussion to have. It's a cheap gimmick to give you something to talk about in the overbearing 24-hour news cycle. However, once the regular season is actually over, and the first playoff game is about to start, feel free to use it at your leisure.
  • While the NBA is headed for a doomsday scenario, with David Stern appearing in all his smug glory on SportsCenter last night to cast everyone else as the villain and take little to no responsibility himself, the British Basketball League (BBL) is dealing with its own scandal. Foxy, the mascot for the Plymouth Raiders, pulled down the shorts of Guildford Heat player Martelle McLemore last month. The Raiders have been fined this week, and Foxy, the canid-themed mascot, is finally going to be neutered: "We have drawn up a code of conduct for Foxy, and this will govern what he is and isn't permitted to do in future games," Raiders CEO Dave Briggs said. I'm quite pleased that there was no code of conduct even discussed prior to the incident and that it took him pulling down an opposing player's shorts to even consider a code of conduct. British basketball, ladies and gentlemen!
  • Former NBA center Shawn Bradley has recovered his gigantic bicycle after it was stolen recently from his barn in Utah. I say gigantic because Bradley, at 7'6" tall, is one of the tallest players in NBA history and had his bike custom-made to fit his frame. The crime was strange to both Bradley and police, because in the same barn where his huge bicycle was stolen were a host of ATVs, motorcycles, and regular-sized bicycles. A perplexed Bradley told reporters, "My brother is 6'10" and he can't ride it." Police were apparently able to apprehend the thief as he stomped through downtown Tokyo.

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