Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Quick Takes - Bigfoot and me

I want to believe ...

If you live under a rock and haven't read Golfpunk: The Icy Fairways, Part II, illustrated by the illustrious Lucius Wisniewski (see what I did there?), then you should be really disappointed with yourself and read it to feel better. If you already saw it but only looked once, you should be really disappointed with yourself too and should also read it to feel better.

When I was a little kid, I desperately wanted to believe in Bigfoot. Growing up in Washington, the home of the alleged cryptid, I took every opportunity when traveling in the mountains with my family to keep my eyes peeled for the hairy beast. And, obviously, I spotted it a few times from the car window. It was never pressing enough for my dad to pull over that I, the world's leading amateur zoologist, had finally caught the shy primate that had eluded scientists and pseudo-scientists for decades. But my dad is a smart man, and despite my pleas for him to pull over because I'd spotted Sasquatch, he knew, and, frankly, I knew too, that I was full of shit. I never spotted anything but some shapely logs and brownish mosses; I was simply a kid with a dream: To catch Bigfoot and integrate him into human society.

He could wear a green and yellow hat and go to a Sonics game, where he'd awkwardly try to mate with the costumed mascot of the Supersonics while I desperately tried to tranquilize him through his thick fur coat. We could go for a drive into the mountains and he could teach me his culture and the way his kind navigate and live in the mountains, and I could then take him to McDonald's and get him his first McRib. He could learn how to use a shower and trim his facial hair, and then I'd help him get a job working at REI where he'd teach seminars on wilderness survival. I could take him to Red Robin on his birthday and get him some celebratory cheese sticks while he wept giant tears of joy. Or maybe he'd play professional sports ... "And put your hands together, for the starting defensive tackle for your Seattle Seahawks! (dramatic pause): Bigfoooooooot!" (Raucous applause and the customary catch-phrase "foooooooo").

  • Did you know Prince Fielder was the only player in Major League Baseball last year to play all 162 games? Suck on that, food pyramid.
  • Kobe Bryant doesn't like where this lockout is headed, and he's got a good reason: "We need for the two sides to get together again before Wednesday, because we're too close to getting a deal done. We need to iron out the last system items and save this from spiraling into a nuclear winter." Holy shit, guys, David Stern has access to nukes? Give him whatever he wants!
  • San Diego Padres' top prospect Yoan Alcantara may have been using a fake name and birth date when he scrawled his much-practiced signature on a $135,000 signing bonus with the Padres in 2009. I'm sorry, but if I had to come up with a fake name to make it into Major League Baseball, I'd have come up with something better than Yoan Alcantara. How about Babe Ruth 2? Or maybe something comic booky, like  "Ultimate Barry Bonds"?
  • PETA has, as usual, lost its mind. They are claiming that animal rights abuse violations are occurring in the new video game "Battlefield 3," because you can shank a rabbit in the game and toss its body around. Shocking, I know. PETA says that it opens the door for children who play the game to start abusing animals. I can't wait for PETA to complain that the digital birds that fly around stadiums in Madden and MLB 2K games are being abused because they have to fly for too long without a proper amount of rest.
  • Wigan defender Antolin Alcaraz has been banned three matches for spitting at an opponent during a match last weekend in England. The spitting incident caused a huge brawl on the field and a post-match video review of the event by the FA. The reviewers confirmed the spit (what a cool thing to say), but were stunned to find the word "S E X" floating in the spittle when they slowed down the tape.
  • If Penn State officials want to bury this horrific child abuse scandal that's rocked the NCAA and the nation, they should just privatize and become a Catholic university. Problem solved.

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