|Attention all insects: Target acquired.|
I don't know what the big allure is to eating outside. When I sit down for a meal, I like to enjoy what I'm eating in a quiet, controlled environment, safe from curious bugs, car exhaust, and the always ornery wind. Allow me to catch your napkin, sir, and drape it awkwardly across your lap. Again. Oh, allow me to bring you a fresh glass of lemonade, m'lady, now that your current glass of lemonade has two drowned bugs buried deep within the yellowed ice. Pardon me, shall I grind your meal into a liquid so you can drink it through a straw under your protective gas mask? Very good, sir.
I understand that it's "nice" to be outside sometimes, especially on a warm summer day (rare as they are in Seattle), and I certainly can't fault people for wanting to people watch other people on a crowded boardwalk (the people trifecta!). But I can do that inside too. That guy over there struggling with his steak? His dentures are coming loose. And his young trophy wife is so embarrassed she won't stop ordering appletinis and flirting with the 16-year-old bus boy, who's one butt-grab away from calling the police. That young couple over there obviously on their first date? Let's listen in on the conversation! "So, did you see 'Green Lantern'?" Ouch, he's off to a bad start.
Or better yet, let's guess what they're saying to each other! "You like your food? Is it good food?" "Oh my god, it's soooo gooood!" "Can I try some?" "Oh my god, nooooo, it's too good to shareeee!" In my mind, all men are idiots and all women are also idiots but they just hold their syllables longer. That's seriously what I imagine people talk like, and I know people, I talk to people every day! Nobody sounds like that, but in my head, everybody does. Maybe I do need to eat outside more often.
- Take heart, Seattle Mariners fans! There's still hope left! CC Sabathia has decided to re-sign with the New York Yankees, blocking a potential coup for the Texas Rangers who were interested in Sabathia's services were he to hit the free agent market. CC agreed to a new deal with the Bronx Bombers that adds $30 million and an extra season to his existing contract, which will now pay out $122 million over the next five years. CC Sabathia is the 99%.
- Shaquille O'Neal has written an autobiography, hopefully entirely about his experiences on the set of "Kazaam." But an excerpt came out about Kobe Bryant, and with their tumultuous history together, it definitely caught my eye: "He was so young and so immature in some ways, but I can tell you this: everything Kobe is doing now, he told me all the way back then he was going to do it," writes O'Neal. "We were sitting on the bus once and he told me, "I'm going to be the number one scorer for the Lakers, I'm going to win five or six championships, and I'm going to be the best player in the game." I was like, "Okay, whatever." Then he looked me right in the eye and said, "I'm going to be the Will Smith of the NBA." The Will Smith of the NBA. Hmm. They're definitely both superstars, and they're both from Philly, and both attempted rap careers. So there are definitely some correlations there, but did you know that Will Smith's real name is Willard? I hate to say it, but I think Kobe wins just on that. Will Smith will now be known as the "Kobe Bryant of Hollywood."
- The Toronto Raptors have been a pretty embarrassing franchise for much of their post-Vince Carter/Tracy McGrady/Theo Ratliff era. They've traded away most of their stars, alienated one of the best fanbases in all of sports, and have whiffed on the draft more times than Ron Artest in a three-point shooting contest. But what's most embarrassing is that their mascot is scientifically inaccurate! Unless they intentionally chose a small, bird-like creature to be the face of the franchise, it's not actually a Velociraptor. It's a Deinonychus! Boy, their faces must be red.
- You know, "the Toronto Deinonychi" has a nice ring to it. Start the petition machine, Igor.
- Washington Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall is going to be selling anti-Dallas wristbands on his Web site leading up to Sunday's game against the Cowboys. The wristbands will say, "Hail Yeah I Hate Dallas," and partial proceeds of the sales will go to the D.C. Central Kitchen. Take note, President Obama, poor spelling and hatred can partially feed the homeless. The rest of the proceeds just go toward renovating DeAngelo Hall's mansion.
- I always appreciate when Congress takes time out of its busy schedule to spend taxpayer dollars talking about sports. And Democratic congressman Bobby Rush (IL) is leading the charge this week. Everyone clap at Bobby Rush for spending your money! At a congressional forum on NCAA sports called to look at the impact of "back-room deals, payoffs and scandals," Rush compared the NCAA to Al Capone and the Mafia, because nothing says organized crime like young kids getting free college education and a nationally-publicized springboard toward a lucrative career.
- Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres is justifiably under fire after pictures surfaced of him and his wife at a Halloween party, dressed as Jay-Z and Beyonce, in blackface. There's really no excuse to doing something that ignorant in this day and age, but I think what everyone needs is a little song from Gob Bluth's Franklin to really smooth things over.