|I want these motherf***ing kittens out the motherf***ing bathroom!|
Showering has never been as difficult as it is after buying kittens. Before I go into detail, yes, I could just shut the bathroom door while I shower and solve 100% of my problems immediately, but I hate showering with the door closed because I have a mold phobia and the thin film of moisture that clings to every surface in the bathroom when you shower with the door closed might as well be molten lava. So there.
Now, I firmly believe that kittens are suicidal. They have an intrinsic need to destroy themselves and their bodies, and they will stop at nothing to find every little loophole you've left open to reach their goal. Their daily curiosity to discover new things baffles me. Yesterday, and the prior 200+ days, that full trash can in the bathroom was nothing to them. It was merely an obstacle they needed to work around to reach some hidden dust bunny behind the toilet. But today? It's a free candy machine. Every piece of balled-up toilet paper a glorious prize that must be extracted from the trash can and paraded throughout the house like the severed head of my kittens' greatest enemy.
I heard a scuttle and poked my head out of the shower to find the especially crazy kitten, Triceratops, neck-deep in garbage. I spilled out of the shower to shoo her away, the trash can quickly swept into the laundry room, on top of a shelf they can't reach, and one more issue was temporarily solved. I climbed back into the shower, slightly colder and mildly frustrated. You're probably wondering, at this point, why I didn't just shut the door after the first offense. I've been asking myself that in hindsight all morning, and, as they say, hindsight's a bitch.
Moments later, another noise, this one the unmistakeable sound of a cabinet door closing. I sat pondering in the shower, knowing full well that I've seen them make attempts to open the bathroom cabinets without any real success. So I decided to ignore it and continue showering. Then I remembered that I keep toilet bowl cleaner in there and freaked out like a mother who locked her baby in the car. I jumped out of the shower again, spilling water all over the floor, and opened the cabinet to find Triceratops basking in a mountain of pristine toilet paper rolls deep within the cabinet. She'd hit the jackpot.
You see, she loves toilet paper, and she's constantly being disciplined for snatching the end of the roll in her mouth and running down the hallway with a white trail behind her. So a whole pile of rolls? Her face was beaming, until I snatched her out of there, tossed her down the hallway, and finally shut the door.
- Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brandon Marshall has declared that he wants to get thrown out of the game on Sunday by the second quarter because he hasn't been playing with enough emotion. I'm all for setting attainable goals and everything, but maybe talk that one through with your coach, Brandon.
- David Stern has suggested that if no deal is done in the NBA labor dispute by Tuesday that there could be no games all the way through Christmas. But what will we watch during awkward family get-togethers to stave off having to talk to one another?!
- Did you know LeBron James is a minority owner with Liverpool FC? I didn't until today, when I read a story James flying to Liverpool this weekend to watch the Scousers take on Manchester United at Anfield. I'm surprised there wasn't an hour-long ESPN TV special where James picked which EPL team he was going to buy.
- Just thought about a winter without the NBA, and it's cold and dark.
- Two congressmen have decided to spend our taxpayer dollars on reforming HGH testing in the NFL. A stipulation in the NFL's new CBA said that the NFL had to start testing for Human Growth Hormone once there was a reliable and scientifically-proven method, and, for reasons I can't explain, the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee is leading the charge. Do they even know what the words in their committee title mean? At a time when government spending is rampantly out of control, budgets are being hacked left and right, and Presidential nominees are campaigning almost exclusively on reforming Washington spending, how does hte House Oversight and Government Reform Committee have the audacity to spend its time and our taxes on the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?!
- After the Vancouver Canucks lost in the Stanley Cup Finals, Vancouver fans rioted in the streets and ripped apart their beautiful city (yes, over a hockey game; no, I don't know why). It was a pretty awkward, surreal moment for the friendly Canadian city, but four months later, the Ecotique Spa and Salon is trying to single-handedly make it all better by offering $50 gift certificates to rioters who turn themselves in for their roles in the rioting, arson, and looting. I'm not the smartest person in the world, but I'm pretty sure $50 in spa services does not equal a prison sentence and accompanying fines/legal fees/community service hours. Admiral Ackbar alert!