The Nobel prizes are being handed out now, and, once again, I have walked away empty handed. The Nobel Peace Prize, the most publicized of all the Nobels, went to a duo of Liberian women (Girls? Any Michael Jackson fans here? No?), president Ellen Johnson Sirleaf and peace activist Leymah Gbowee, who completely changed the status of women in their country and brought peace to a divided, war-infested nation (one of whom also brought warlords into Liberia in the '90s that ended up massacring half the country, but she insists she didn't know they were going to do that, which is a good thing to insist).
But what really is the value of the Nobel Peace Prize? If Barack Obama can preemptively win one for what he said he was going to do as he campaigned for President, only to escalate two wars and then launch thousands of off-the-record drone attacks through the CIA, why can't I win one? Let's make some comparisons. I do not know any warlords (sadly), and, therefore, I cannot bring warlords into my country to slaughter and kill my fellow countrymen/women. I do not own any missile-armed drones (yet), and, therefore, I cannot blow up military installations from my home PC whilst listening to Riders in the Sky on Spotify and alt-tabbing back to Borderlands. And come on, I'm not even in a war! I can't escalate one without being in one (or two). So, really, aren't I more qualified to win a Nobel Peace Prize than some past winners?
I wave people in in traffic. I let people who have a couple items go ahead of me in line at the grocery store. I smile at children (not creepily) and ask to pet a stranger's dog before I pet it (the dog). I say hello to people and give the awkward white-guy "head nod+Peyton Manning closed-mouth smirk" when I walk by. I do not start fights with people I do not like, even when I want to and/or they deserve it, like that asshole in the red Mercedes-Benz (Superdome) who cut me off in traffic and flipped me off for cutting me off. My peace footprint is freaking huge! To be fair to the current winners, I also didn't save an entire country from being torn apart by genocide, nor have I done anything productive for anyone else ever. But still.
- Let's kick things off with the Seattle Seahawks, who beat the New York Giants 36-25 on the road. It's the first time the Seahawks have won a road game on the east coast since 2007, and to beat a 3-1 team away is always impressive. It's the football equivalent of going #2 for the first time at your significant other's house. It's tense, the noise can be a factor, and you don't have anyone there to cheer you on.
- A fan threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods this weekend, which marks the first time that Tiger Woods wasn't the one slinging a hot dog around. It's really too easy sometimes.
- So did you guys hear Tim Tebow played yesterday? I wasn't sure if you'd heard or not since it's basically the biggest story since the Apollo 11 moon landing. Kyle Orton put together a pretty Kyle Orton kind of performance, and was benched in the third quarter for Tebow. I don't want to join the media parade for a guy who played two quarters, but his performance aside (two TDs), the Broncos just looked like they had a different energy when the switch was made. The defense was amped up, the offense looked sharper, guys seemed like they were willing to go out on a limb for him (that Brandon Lloyd catch said it all), and if that's what happens when you put Tebow in the game, then you should probably put Tebow in the game more often. Sorry, I just sounded like an ESPN announcer.
- Pardon me for saying this on official Tim Tebow Day, but I don't see any way he doesn't end up as a contestant on "The Biggest Loser" in 20 years.
- The NBA lockout has entered into an utterly idiotic phase, which hopefully signifies that the end is near. The players and owners are battling it out over percentages now, with the owners setting a hardline of a 50/50 split, while the players are refusing to budge from their demand for 53% of total revenue. For those of you who know math, you would quickly be able to calculate that the amount of money the players are holding out for they will LOSE by missing the first few games of the season. Same thing goes for the owners. Little kids could figure out a way to fix this faster than these rich grown men. And Seattle needed a better arena to keep its franchise?! ... The NBA needs a better commissioner.
- A woman gave birth hours after running in the Chicago marathon this past weekend. Amber Miller, from suburban Chicago, started to feel contractions just a few minutes after crossing the finish line of the 26.2-mile race, and two hours later, she'd given birth to a baby girl. British nannies everywhere thought, "Sure seems like an awful lot of work to shake a baby."
- When do we get to start talking about how bad Mark Sanchez is and how he's never going to be an elite quarterback? Is it before or after we start talking about Kevin Kolb?