Thursday, October 13, 2011

Quick Takes - Anemone

Ohhhh, who lives next to barnacles under the sea?

Spongebob Squarepants is a bit of an enigma to me. He lives in a pineapple, under the sea, and yet the pineapple never decays, it's never soggy, and it's never eaten by one the various ocean-dwellers prowling the depths below. I know that many of those deep-water creatures are especially ravenous in their pursuit of dropped morsels of food, rare as they are down there. A large pineapple would be a windfall for them. Yet why do they stay away? Does he coat the pineapple with some sort of fish deterrent? Is he a fish hunter, waiting for hungry seafood to come close to his pineapple before BAM! ... snapping them up in his electrified net and eating them raw with his super-sharp razor teeth? But he's a sponge. He should be water-logged to the point of incapacitation, how could he possibly move fast enough to catch anything that didn't fall directly into his mouth? Nothing adds up. Nothing.

And don't get me started on how he's a fry cook either. Are the burners heated by volcanic vents? What kind of meat does he use? Crab meat? Is that why they're called Krabby Patties? Or is it hamburger, and they're just called Krabby Patties because the owner is Mr. Krabs (inventive name)? If it is hamburger, how is the meat shipped to the bottom of the ocean? And how do they pay top-dwellers for the shipping? Is there a common currency that's exchangeable between their species? I am beyond frustrated with this show. Is it that hard to put together a scientifically-accurate kids show these days?

I think they should re-invent Spongebob. Make it "Anemonebob Tentaclepants," and he lives on a rock, under the sea. He affixes himself to a stone and waits patiently for food to fall into his poisonous nematocysts, before pushing the paralyzed creatures toward his mouth and digesting them ever-so-slowly. He has no friends, only enemies who try to eat him, and he's certainly not a fry cook. It would teach kids real science (instead of lies), and it would also teach them patience, instead of how to be an unstoppable psychopath, like the current show does.

  • As ticket prices continue to go up, and the cost of home entertainment continues to go down, I really do wonder about the future of live sports. What will leagues and teams have to do to keep people coming to the stadium? What can they do to incentivize sitting in traffic for hours, trying to find parking that doesn't cost $20, wandering through a sea of people to get to a tiny seat, paying $10 for a single beer, and then having to do the whole song and dance three hours later just to get home? In another five years, why will anyone bother? I don't think adding more cheerleader dances during timeouts and crappy gate giveaways is the answer. Here's how you fix it: Step 1) Lower costs. Step 2) There really is no step two. Just make it cheaper, you bastards.
  • Reports surfaced soon after the Red Sox's disastrous collapse this year that a handful of Boston players were going into the clubhouse during the game and eating fried chicken, playing video games, and drinking beer. Or as I call it, Thursday.
  • The Seattle Seahawks have finally traded away linebacker Aaron Curry. The #4 pick in the 2009 NFL Draft was sent packing for Oakland for a 7th round pick in 2012 and a conditional 4th or 5th round pick in 2013. The drop in his value over the course of three seasons is absolutely staggering, especially for the expectations everyone had of him coming out of college, but I'm sure it's all part of god's plan for him to flame out of the NFL and join the WWE.
  • Texas is one win away from the World Series. I don't have anything to say, really, this is really just a reminder to delusional Mariners fans. One of the best teams in Major League Baseball is within our division, playing a completely different style of baseball than us (power vs. pitching), in a completely different type of ballpark (hitter friendly vs. pitcher friendly), with a completely different style of ownership (hands on vs. hands off), and they're doing it for only $6 million more a season (until we cut payroll even more next year). Anyone who thinks this Mariners team is just a few guys away from being competitive has clearly been bitten by a malarial mosquito and is hallucinating.
  • I just thought of an awesome new superhero in the same, cough, vein as Marvel's Spider-Man (I apologize profusely for that awful pun). The Mosquito! Bit by a malarial mosquito, our hero's body reacts differently to the disease and, instead of killing him, it gives him super powers! He grows a proboscis and wings, hangs out in a pool of tepid water, and fights crime with furious pestilence. And he's best friends with Bill Gates, who conducts research on his DNA to try to find the cure for malaria. Tell me you wouldn't read that comic book. I dare you.
  • I have mentioned both the neat little flick "Drive" and Tiger Woods being attacked with a hot dog in Quick Takes recently, but I never expected that the hot dog-wielder would be inspired by the movie "Drive" to carry out his meaty attack. Brandon Kelly, a random dude from California, said he saw the movie "Drive" and wanted to do something "courageous and epic" in response. He chose to run at Tiger Woods and hurl a hot dog at him. I'm not 100% sure we watched the same movie.

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