|Great. Now try it with your left hand, Hanks.|
A few years ago, I was obsessed with the idea of training myself to be ambidextrous. I like to think I'm prone to ambidexterity anyway, I don't know why I think that, but I just want to (I sound like a religious person now ... dammit), so I spent a considerable amount of time doing everything that I normally did with my right hand with my left. If my right hand already knew how to do something well, then why did I persist on using it? Why not try to learn something new and get my left hand up to par? I wrote left handed, I brushed my teeth left handed (surprisingly hard and painful); I'd even try to dress myself using only my left hand. The last one doesn't make sense in hindsight, but that's what happens when obsession grips you.
I gave up after realizing that it took years to learn how to do all those things with my right hand, and I didn't want to write like a 6-year-old for a lengthy period of time while I explained to a dwindling pool of friends and co-workers that I was "just working on my ambidexterity." As primates, we are naturally adept at doing many things with either side of our bodies, but the presence of a "strong" hand or foot is natural in the wild, so I've decided it's okay for me too. I'm no better than the noble gorilla or the boisterous chimpanzee. Not only that, but there is no tangible utility benefit to learning how to do most of the things that I do with my right hand with an alternate hand (an alternate hand ... like I have more than one alternate?). I'm not going to be kidnapped by terrorists who only bother to tie up my right hand. If I'm on a deserted island, I can pretty much scrawl an S.O.S. into the sand with any body part that's still there (after my pirate ship goes down in shark-infested waters and I lose an arm). And even if the S.O.S. is a bit sloppy, it's not like the rescue plane is going to turn around because my typography is sub-standard. And if the plane does turn around because of that, well eff those guys, I'll wait for the next one.
- The Seattle Mariners will start using tech company Qcue's on-demand pricing software for all home games next season, which uses software analytics to set ticket prices in real-time based on actual demand for each game. Uh oh, this could get awkward.
- Terrell Owens held a workout for himself yesterday in a last-ditch attempt to save his NFL career. A host of teams were supposed to be in attendance for the workout, but none showed up and TO was left to strut around for the media (who were all too eager to show up, of course). His agent said that no one showed up because they could just watch it on the NFL Network, and that Owens' "drills created buzz" around the NFL. It goes without saying that they still haven't received a call from a team yet, but damn, I think I need my own sports agent, someone to just publicly blow wind up my arse and tell me how great I am. "Hey, everyone! Erik just created some buzz at the grocery store with a savvy purchase of expiring steak! No one else would've thought of that but him! Now he's going to go home and cook it and watch 'Dexter' because he's freaking awesome!"
- New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski had to apologize to Pats owner Robert Kraft after pictures of Gronkowski shirtless with an adult film "star" (...) in his jersey appeared on Twitter last week. The adult film "star" appeared on a radio station Monday alongside the tight end (no jokes, please) and said that she and Gronkowski share a mutual friend who played football with him at Arizona. They took a couple photos together and she posted them online. BFD. Are we so sensitive to sex in this country that an NFL player has to apologize to his owner for standing next to a woman who has it? And Patriots quarterback Tom Brady married a freaking Victoria's Secret underwear model! Is that really so different than an adult film star? What the hell is going on here? Why is Gronkowski apologizing?! I'M SO CONFUSED.
- Tony Romo and his wife are expecting their first child. We all agree that Romo should stay as far away from the delivery room as possible, right? He gets a little iffy during important plays.
- Former #1 overall pick and Oakland Raiders bust JaMarcus Russell is blaming sleep apnea for his lack of success in the NFL: "In the NFL, my first year, I had to be there at 6:30 (a.m.) before practice and be on the treadmill for an hour. Then meetings come, I sit down, eat my fruit. We watch film, and maybe I got tired. Coach Flip (quarterback coach John DeFilippo) pulled me aside and said, 'What are you doing for nightlife?' I said, 'Coach, I'm just chilling.' He said, 'I need to get you checked out.' I did the sleep test, and they said I had apnea." As someone who has dealt with my own sleep issues, I understand the preference for the nighttime over 6:30 a.m. treadmill runs, but I also know that they have a lot of medical options for managing sleep apnea, and if I were the #1 pick in the NFL Draft, with a contract that gave me $61 million, I'd try just about anything (Hyperbolic chamber? Surgery? CPAP machine?) to make sure my sleep problems were taken care of. I think it's a bit absurd for Russell to try to fall on that sword, especially when he forgets that we all watched his standout NCAA career, we all saw him gain 50 lbs. once he joined the NFL, and, of course, we all know about his preference for purple drank (arrested for codeine possession without a prescription).
- NBA players have talked seriously about forming their own league as a response to this absurd lockout. I think it's a great idea and all, and it would certainly stick it to the man, but I, for one, hope that doesn't happen. Not because I don't want to watch basketball, no, it's for that very reason I don't want NBA players to form their own league. Did you see Kevin Durant put up a triple-double in a game the other night against a horde of fellow NBA players? Of course he did. Each team scored like 170 points. NBA players hate playing defense. They only do it because they have to. But take away the "have to," and what do you have? A full season of the NBA All-Star Game. Yikes.