|Oh these things? They're just super-powerful afterlife judgment scales. No big deal.|
Okay, first off, if you haven't read the first ever Golfpunk comic, written by myself and the enormously-talented Lucius Wisniewski and illustrated by the aforementioned enormously-talented Lucius Wisniewski (he's a mouthful), then GO READ IT. Because it's awesome. And it's funny. And it's golfpunk.
Today is Halloween, which would be my favorite holiday ever if it weren't for the hordes of drunken whores that ruin it for those of us with a bit of whimsy in our hearts. Halloween, to me, is about celebrating and embracing death, which I've always thought is definitely something to celebrate (especially for kids!). But I don't like to dress up on Halloween anymore, mostly because I'm still haunted by being forced to wear the worst/best costume ever years ago by my friends (I'm looking at you, K-Mart), an artsy piece that we dubbed "Crouching Nipples, Hidden Penis," using well-placed Chinese-themed tiger/dragon temporary tattoos and a whole lot of whiskey to help guide the decision. These days, I prefer quiet genuflections at the altar of Anubis I set up in my apartment, thank you.
Last year, I got really excited for Halloween. It felt like my first real "grown-up" Halloween, and I bought tons of candy to hand out to kids who came to my door (if that's not being grown up, I don't know what is). I put all the candy in a bowl by the door and waited patiently for the first little fiends to arrive. But no one arrived. Ever. The entire night, not a single goblin child came to my door and asked me for free candy. It was the most depressing Halloween ever, until I realized I had a buttload of candy to eat and I didn't have to share it with any stupid kids.
- Tim Tebow's success as an NFL quarterback lasted about as long as Kim Kardashian's marriage. Heyooo!
- The Texas Rangers, fresh off a disastrous loss in World Series game seven, are apparently interested in Prince Fielder and will be pursuing him this summer. As a Seattle Mariners fan who desperately hopes the Mariners can woo the gigantic first-baseman to Seattle, I can't help but break this down logically and wind up feeling like Kurt Cobain in the sunshine. If the money is the same, there's basically no reason whatsoever that Fielder would choose Seattle. Seattle has a bigger stadium, a worse team, worse teammates, an unclear positional situation, a disassociated owner, minimal national spotlight, a tight payroll ... Okay, I have to stop, this is just morbid (yay, Halloween!). Let's hope Prince Fielder hates hot weather and has a sweet-tooth for smoked salmon.
- After ranking dead last in Major League Baseball in homeruns since moving to their new park, the New York Mets have finally decided to bring in the fences at Citi Field. They will be moving the walls in by as much as 12 feet next season, lowering the height from 16 feet to eight, and changing the color to blue. No word yet on whether Bernie Madoff will be frozen in carbonite and displayed in left field.
- The previously-winless St. Louis Rams, starting A.J. Feeley over the injured Sam Bradford, somehow beat the 5-2 New Orleans Saints 31-21. A.J. Feeley should pull a Tony La Russa and retire today.
- Dwyane Wade is a snappy dresser, sure, but I think having a personal stylist should absolve anyone from being interviewed for a magazine about style, as Wade was recently by GQ. Why not interview the stylist? Wade doesn't pick out or buy his own clothes; his stylist sends photos of potential clothes/accessories to his iPad and he just says yes or no. If that's style, then every time I go to McDonald's I'm going to say I'm cooking.