Monday, June 21, 2010

Kim Jong-Il responds to North Korea's 7-0 defeat to Portugal in the World Cup




Kim Jong-Il, dictator of the mysterious country of North Korea, held a press conference today from his elephant-shaped superpalace in Pyongyang. Only a few hand-picked reporters were allowed in, as they most-closely resembled Bill Cosby out of the reporter crop, whom Mr. Jong-Il is a huge fan of.

This is the official transcript from today's press conference.


JONG-IL: "Hello! (long pause) You may think that us North Koreans are sad and lonely about losing to the stupid Portugal seven-nil today ... well guess what?! We're not! We don't care! We have a big plan that we are going to unleash on the World Cup, oh yes, a very big plan ...You see, inside each North Korean player is a nuclear bomb, and when our players stop running, the bombs are going to blow up!"

REPORTER #1 THAT KINDA LOOKS LIKE BILL COSBY: "Um, excuse me, Mr., uhhh, Jong-Il ... the players stopped running earlier today. The game's over. Nobody blew up." 

REPORTER #2 THAT ALSO LOOKS LIKE BILL COSBY: "Also, isn't that similar to the plot of 'Speed'?"

JONG-IL: "Ha! Silly reporters, trying to make up silly stories about my good friend Keanu Reeves. No, Keanu is not on the North Korean football team, he is locked in my basement in a Princess Leia costume."

REPORTER #1: "You have Keanu Reeves locked in the palace basement?"

JONG-IL: "Nooo, nooo, relax, Bill Cosby, he's filming a documentary about my life. Now, back to the North Korean football team ... the reason our players didn't blow up is because ... uh ... because they have to really stop running, have to go super slow to make the bomb go off ... so yeah, they're going to blow up later tonight (mutters a swear word under his breath)."

REPORTER #3 THAT SLIGHTLY RESEMBLES BILL COSBY: "So we can expect roughly 20 nuclear explosions to go off tonight? Is that correct, sir?"

JONG-IL: "Correct, roughly 20 bombs will explode in North Korea tonight."

REPORTER #1: "Sorry ... I notice you said they'll explode in North Korea -"

JONG-IL: "Yes, yes, that's correct ..."

REPORTER #1: "And you do realize the World Cup is in South Africa -"

JONG-IL: "Yes, yes ..." 

REPORTER #1: " Well, forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds, but how are nuclear bombs going off in North Korea related to the World Cup?"

JONG-IL: "Mr. Cosby ... may I call you Bill?"

REPORTER #1: "Uhhh ..."

JONG-IL: "Bill ... the word is a complicated place, and I am a complicated man. You lack the foreskin to understand my plans, but don't worry, I will let you in on my little secret ... Our players don't have any bombs in their bodies, no, they have bombs in their spirits! And when you die, and they die, maybe because an asteroid hits the earth and Bruce Willis has to come save the day but can't because he's locked up in my basement, maybe in a Han Solo costume this time, you will meet my football team in heaven and they will blow you up."

No comments:

Post a Comment