Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Please Tase him, bro

When 17-year-old Phillies fan Steve Consalvi lept onto the field at Citizen's Bank Park on Monday, my first reaction was, as per usual, "Tase the f***er!"

But when a fat police officer, tired of chasing that little punk around in circles in front of thousands of people, whipped out his taser and actually DID Tase him ... I heard angels sing. It was beautiful, like watching a majestic polar bear take down a stupid baby walrus. Don't stray too far from your herd, baby walrus, there's a f***ing polar bear right there. He may be slower than you, he may be tired and hungry and regretting the donuts he had earlier that day in the break room, but he's a POLAR BEAR. Steve Consalvi must not watch the Discovery channel.

I hate people who run onto the field at sporting events; they should have a special new ring reserved for them in Hell (in Dante's follow-up blockbuster, "Inferno 2: Hotter Than Hell!"). It's the most attention-grabbing, self-serving, look-at-me bullshit that humans can physically achieve. People who paint themselves gold and stand motionless for hours on city corners have more self-respect than field runners. People who go on "American Idol" to show Simon Cowell pictures of their cats have more decency.

You paid money to go watch those professional athletes play, you paid money to watch THEM, as did 50,000 other people who are there with their families just trying to escape the nonsense of ordinary life filled with douchebags like you, Steve Consalvi. But you drank too much Mountain Dew and decided to ruin the game for the 50,000 people in attendance, the millions of fans watching on TV who have to suddenly look at a wide-shot of the upper deck, the players who now have to stand, hands on hips, waiting until your inevitable takedown and arrest before they can get on with their jobs, and those poor cops who have way bigger fish to fry than some 17-year-old kid with an image complex.

Think about it, Steve, how would you feel if some stranger burst into your high school gym class, when all the honeys were watching you and such, and ran around with his arms waving, yelling "Woo!" while the lesbian gym teacher chased him around. You're not going to prom, Steve, THAT GUY is. Now imagine he's carrying a knife, or a gun, and he runs up to you, Steve Consalvi, and stabs you in the neck. Is it still funny? Is it still a "once in a lifetime experience?"

Steve's father, Wayne Consalvi, actually got a phone call from his idiotic offspring moments before the events transpired. He told Steve running onto the field was a bad idea. Steve did it anyway. Can I get a high five for natural selection? Anyone? Darwin?

Despite his reservations against field running, Steve's dad did take issue with his son being Tasered.

"I don't recommend running on the field, but I don't think they should have Tased him at all."

That's exactly what they should've done, Wayne! Not only was it illegal for him to run onto the field, not only was it then illegal to evade arrest, but it was STUPID. Stupid people should be Tasered, it should be law. We should employ the Taser Guard (cool name, huh?) to stand ready in all walks of life to Tase the crap out of dumb people. Leave your kid in the car while you go grocery shopping? Tasered. Pour hot coffee on your lap and try to sue the coffee maker for making it too hot? Tasered. Those women who wandered into the Dallas Mavericks huddle during a timeout a few weeks ago? Tasered.

Run onto the field at a baseball game and ruin the experience for everyone? Tasered! I applaud that police officer for his mature, adult decision to put that kid on his pants ... not to mention his aim. He nailed Steve Consalvi from 15-feet away like he was bullseyeing womp-rats in his T-16 back home. Too many police officers are, rightfully, scared to take action because of the repurcussions of our common-senseless society. But that officer was more than justified to Taser the kid.

In fact, he did everyone a service. He set a precedent. You make an ass out of yourself, endanger the players and other fans, trespass and evade arrest, you're going to get Tasered. Not coddled, not put on the Jumbotron, not applauded as you leave the field in handcuffs, you're going to get Tasered. And I love it.


  1. Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was America. You know, where every teenage kid has exercised his God-given right to make an ass of himself for two hunnerd thirty four glorious years. But I guess your Taser Gestapo will now usher in a new era of discipline and bad vibes. Sounds GREAT.

  2. They need to create an episode of 'Life' for this. The way his body goes numb is one of the greatest visuals I've ever seen.

    "And finally, the Officer catches its prey..."

  3. I only hope Steve has the smarts to read this, and that he stops drinking so much Mountain Dew!!

  4. Yes! Yes! Yes! - for too long we have avoided natural selection... tase the F'rs