Sunday, January 3, 2010

Guns ARE the answer!


Gilbert Arenas, I feel you. I feel your pain. You too, Javaris Crittenton. You guys are struggling. I know.

I know how hard it must be to get through life on your multi-million dollar contracts. I know it must be hard to deal with gambling debts when you make more money than the entire gross capital of Djibouti. I know that money is a burden. It weighs you guys down. You think, how can I make ALL this money and still be safe? I know that you worry about safety. I mean, yeah, some NBA players have been robbed or threatened at some point in the last 20 years, so going out and buying a gun is the only option.

And Gil, Agent Zero, you're even smarter than your Washington Wizards gun-toting counterpart, Crittenton. You bought THREE guns! Screw you, Javaris! One gun can't protect you from the evils of the world (or the locker room). But THREE will.

Scientific fact #1: Three guns > one.

Safety first, so they say. And when you have three guns, safety's first, second, and third. I applaud you Gil, you were
three times as protected as Crittenton. And shoot, you proved it when a heated dispute on your team plane over a card game ended in a Wild West gun battle in the locker room, surrounded by teammates, coaches, trainers, reporters, where you pulled a gun, one of the three you had in your locker, on your young teammate.

Except you made one mistake, Gil! You forgot to pull the trigger! This is about safety! If you had pulled your gun and Crittenton had shot you ... then what? Then what? You bought the guns to be safe, so how does pulling a gun and
not shooting it make you safer when the other guy has a gun pulled too! A classic mistake, no doubt, one your three kids will laugh about 20 years from now.

"Remember when Dad pulled a gun on his teammate in the locker room? That was hilarious!"

And you brought the guns to the gym because you wanted them out of the house after the birth of your third child, huh Gil? I mean I'm with you, guns blazing, etc., the whole way, but you know, if you wanted to protect your children, you should've kept the guns AT HOME. That's how you protect your kids, with
more guns. Not less.

Scientific fact #2: More guns = more protection.

You guys have all the money and resources in the world. You have things at your fingertips only the Roman kings had. You have access to protection (bodyguards, security systems, changing your cell phone number so your crazy friends from home stop calling) that everyone outside of the President could only dream of. But no, you can't trust hired bodyguards who have all the proper paperwork to carry concealed weapons to protect you and your family. You can't trust them, they're after your money. And not the money you'd be ... paying them ... no, they're after the
other money.

It's good you're setting the bar for the basketball community too. It's good to let everyone know that the locker room is a no-fly zone for reporters, kids, team officials, your family, your teammates' families ... set some boundaries (with more guns). The locker room used to be a place of camaraderie, but now it's a place where bets are settled, one way or another. Good thing you were packing, otherwise, yikes, how red-faced would either of you have been were you staring down the barrel of a teammate's gun with nothing to show in return! Crisis averted.

I know it's hard not getting respect. I know you saw "Locked-Up: RAW" on MSNBC the other day and heard the prisoners talking about respect. I know it's hard when you don't get any respect ... as a professional athlete making millions of dollars to play a game for the entertainment of hard-working people who pay money just to come see you play. I know it's hard when you're playing cards on the plane with your teammates and somebody says, "That's bullshit, I'm not paying you $20,000 for that hand." How can you just walk away from that? That's
your $20,000! If somebody isn't going to pay up from a team plane card-game, they're disrespecting you. If somebody's asking you to pay them, they're disrespecting you too! Everyone was disrespected in that Wizards locker room, so when you're disrespected, you pull out your guns.

Scientific fact #3: Guns = respect.

I know it's hard playing a sport that has abolished all physical contact to the point that watching the NBA has become a free-throw shooting exhibition. I know you guys are having a hard time. Javaris, you want more playing time, don't you? Yeah, I thought so. You just wanted to get closer to some of the veteran players, like Arenas, you thought, "Hey, I'll play cards with these guys so they think I'm cool and they'll put in a good word to the coach and my PT will increase." Even though "these guys" were Arenas, who's had two separate gun issues since 2003, and, undoubtedly, DeShawn Stevenson, who basically participated in a murder of someone but unfathomably escaped the clutches of the penal system by refusing to talk to the police. You just wanted to buddy up to your Wizards teammates, it's all good.

And David Stern! Mr. Commish! What a tough job you have! Two teammates pull guns on each other in the locker room, the next day a future NBA player, Tennessee senior forward Tyler Smith, gets arrested for felony gun possession? Whew, you've got some work to do huh?! It'd be so much easier to just take a really long nap. I bet it'll all blow over in a couple weeks. Someone famous will die, the economy will vomit again, people will be confused about the weather. You just have to lay low. It'll all be okay. Send out a statement saying something about "investigating the matter" and that you're "really crabby that someone would bother you with questions" and then go back to bed. Turn off the lights, put on your favorite Disney movie, and snuggle up with Tim Donaghy.

Don't worry about suspending the players, don't worry about "pulling a Goddell," as you and your friends jokingly call suspensions, this will all disappear. Say something to a league official about fining someone, it'll get leaked out like a pipe burst, and people will think you're being proactive. One and done ... I mean, done and done. You're a smart cookie, Mr. Lawyer turned NBA commissioner. You're so smart I bet you have guns tucked underneath your pillow. Hey, you never know if Donaghy's secretly packing too (chances are he is!). Better to be cautious.

Scientific fact #4: Hidden guns are only cool if you eventually pull them on people.

And no, this doesn't reflect poorly on your struggling league. Nobody goes to the games anymore anyway! So the chances of a big, gym-wide shootout happening is drastically reduced, like your attendance ratings. Two players pulling guns in the locker room? No big deal.

If it was two players pulling guns on fans during a game, then you might have had a problem. But come on, they would've just been protecting themselves and their money. Just make it part of the game and everything would go away. You could get back to sleep! Just think, instead of free throws, the players pull out their guns and get two shots at a threatening, disrespectful fan wearing a target unitard.

Problem solved.